50% of Marriages Ends up in Divorce, Is It That Hard to Save a Marriage?

Psychology Productivity Health More Psychology 50% of Marriages Ends up in Divorce, Is It That Hard to Save a Marriage? Flora Nathaniel Flora is a blogger who loves to write about anything that is related to Entrepreneurship. Full Bio Do you know that around 50% of marriages in the US ends up in divorce? There’s also an alarming increase of second-time marriages. It looks like a lot of married couples are in a relationship crisis, but why then couples counseling is still something that sounds like a taboo to many? Why hasn’t it been widely accepted yet? Compared to others, the divorce rate is 5.2% higher in the 40 to 50 age group, in which most of the divorces were initiated by women, according to a study done by by the Bureau of Labor Statistics. This may be because of the increased tendency of women seeking higher education degrees and better-paid jobs1. And this may also because of a more open mindset towards ending a marriage due to different reasons such as domestic violence. Although getting divorced is easier now, not all couples want to end their relationships just like that. In fact, many choose to give their relationship another chance by seeking help from others – couples counseling. Seeking couples counseling services is giving your relationship another chance. The reason why the divorce rate is high among the couples aged 40 to 50 is that they’ve reached reached a point in life where routine becomes a killer. The sparks’ gone because of different struggles they’re dealing with in the family and possibly in their lives. Here are some signs that maybe it’s time to consider asking for help: When communication is, overall, negative: You don’t talk, you just spend half of your time arguing over the weather, money, kids, your broken car, your work troubles and even your neighbors’ new lawn mower. Everything can become a reason to start a heated argument. When you start losing trust: Relationships are built upon trust, and when that starts to quake, you start to question even the stupidest things that can come across your mind, like how and when did that new friend showed up, since when that new hobby started to take that much interest, etc. When you feel the need to keep secrets: Of course we all have our personal stuff that we prefer not to talk about, but when you feel that you need to keep things from your partner, then it’s a sign that things aren’t working the way they should. When there are severe financial differences: Some of the essential aspects of marriages rely on a good financial management. If one wants to start saving money for retirement and the other spends more from what’s making in a month’s salary, and the tendency doesn’t change over months (or even years), then probably it’s time to seek advice someplace else. When there is no intimacy: No one expects marriages to be like the first year over time 2 as people change, responsibilities show up, and we tend to get accustomed to the same things – meaning that the initial spark may be lost. But if now you don’t even kiss each other goodbye, then something else is going on here. When you live separate lives: To put this in a few words, you share a roof, and that’s all. If even your roommate in college was more aware of your routine and things that went on in your life than your spouse, something’s not quite right in your relationship. If you can relate to one to two of the above signs, then it’s time to sit down and talk about your relationship with your partner.3 If you can identify more than four of the above signs with your marriage, you should book a session of couples counseling soon. There is still time to fix things if you love each other. To save your relationship, let the counselor help you. But your effort counts too. Pick a therapist that really suits you and your partner. Referral is the best way to find a professional that suits you and your partner. Either a friend who went through the same as you do at the moment, or your parents, or a co-worker you trust, or your doctor, etc. can give a helping hand to find the person who can set a middle-ground to your constant quarrels or a lack of affection. But be sure your therapist’s opinion isn’t biased towards keeping a marriage no matter what because sometimes, there is no viable way to make a relationship work if the differences are way too many. Also, make sure the therapist is someone who’s neutral when it comes to helping your relationship. A friend of one of the spouses definitely isn’t a good choice. You don’t want a biased opinion that can make the relationship worse than before. Always remember the good times. One doesn’t simply marry another person because they see each other in the street, fall in love immediately and then tie the knot; there is so much more behind each love story.4 Think of the first date you two had, a memorable moment while you were dating, a gift you loved, and bring them along to the therapy session. Sometimes, the only reason why a therapy works is that the counselor helps us to talk 5 – yes, talk – without being afraid of what our spouse may say. The counselor is there to help, to make your other half understand your feelings and to help you to understand what your spouse thinks about your relationship. Recommended for You People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak How to Be Assertive Without Being Too Aggressive 6 Rules Successful People Live By to Learn Faster and Better Than Everyone Else Commitment is the key. A healthy marriage takes two,6 nothing is going to change if both people aren’t willing to work together. If you get to the point that one believes seeking therapy to mend the relationship is a waste of time, then it’s probably best to move on with your life.7 References Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io [1] Bureau of Labor Statistics: Marriage and divorce: patterns by gender, race, and educational attainment [2] Lifehack: What Romance Is Like After 10 Years Of Marriage [3] The Good Men Project: 7 Things Wives Tell Me in Marriage Counseling (That Husbands Should Know) [4] Simplemost: Tom Hanks Shares His Advice For A Lasting Marriage [5] The Hollywood Reporter: Will Smith: “Racism Is Not Getting Worse, It’s Getting Filmed” [6] Lifehack: These 10 Simple Things You Do Are Making Your Marriage Last, Even Though You’re Not Aware Of It [7] Huffington Post: The 5 Big Reasons Why Couples Divorce After Decades Of Marriage About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You A Powerful Learning Approach That Smart Students Use to Learn Fast and Get Great Results 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success Devoting to a Narcissistic Lover Is Like Playing With Fire. It Is Risky. One Item That Is Often Absent in Resumes but Extremely Important: Soft Skills Learn More About Psychology 12 Essential Communication Skills That Aren't Taught in Schools at All People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak How to Be Assertive Without Being Too Aggressive Get the most interesting ideas of Lifehack in your inbox for free! Scroll down for the next article Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Psychology Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Leon Ho Leon Ho is the Founder and CEO of Lifehack, which he started in 2005 as a way to share his personal productivity hacks to make life easier. Full Bio When we talk about happiness, we think about staying happy all the time – every single day, every single minute with zero negativity. We try to pursue this constant state of “happiness” as our goal, and avoid anything that may take it away from us. But what is the meaning of this type of “happiness”? It’s like your favorite food. The more you have of it doesn’t always mean the better. On the contrary, when you only have a chance to eat it sparingly, that’s when you really savor every bite of it. So is it the food itself that makes you happy, or is it how valuable it is to you when you are eating it? We should always remember that only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy. Assuming others are always happy is the biggest misunderstanding of happiness. Most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives and assume they are happy all the time. Since childhood, we are conditioned to chase the idea of “happily-ever-after” that we see in fairytales. On social media, everyone tends to share only the best looking aspects of their lives (including ourselves). So it’s very easy to have a distorted view of what “happiness” is around us. In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant. No one has a perfect life. Even the most glamorous celebrities or the richest billionaires, everyone has their own set of challenges and problems. When we feel negative, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. As CEO of Lifehack, I’ve had to deal with countless problems, and some of them felt like real setbacks at the time. During those moments, it really seemed like these problems would be the life or death of my company and my life goals. But I got through them, and weeks, months and eventually years passed with many more ups and downs. You need to keep your sights on the extended curve. Looking back now, a lot of those “really big” problems at the time seem like only small blips in a long line of experiences. Recalling them in my mind now makes me smile! Stop trying to be happy. Just be. It’s natural to want to be happy as often as possible. So what can we do? First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness. Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s from experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for others when they are experiencing the same trials. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow. To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness. It sounds like a paradox. What I mean is, accept that there will be ups and downs throughout life. Gracefully understand that happiness is a fluctuation of positive and negative events. Understand the importance of gratitude. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant moment right now, flash back your memory to when you had or didn’t have something. I like to think about my career, for example. When I didn’t have a career I was passionate about, I felt lost and demotivated. I felt like everyone was figuring out their lives but me. But when I found my purpose and started Lifehack, I was deeply happy, even before I realized I would be successful! This memory keeps me going when there are tough spots. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light. Happiness and sadness exist together What it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful, happy and incredible moments. Happy tears and joyous shouts and funny stories. But your life will also be filled with rain and storms that don’t ever seem to pass when you’re going through them. But whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened by the rain, know that it’s all part of the ebb and flow of life. Treasure the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Don’t try to avoid “sad” or “negative” experiences, and blindly chase being “happy”. In the end you will achieve a true level of contentment in your life, based on meaningful experiences and achievements. Being able to create growth and meaning out of both positive and negative events — that is the true meaning of “happiness”. References Featured photo credit: InsideOut via facebook.com About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success 100 Inspirational Quotes That Will Make You Love Life Again Shortcut to Happiness Happiness: The Thing We All Look For But Never Really Understand Learn More About Psychology There's No Perfect Family, but a Happy Family Doesn't Need to Be Perfect Is an Extrovert Really Happier Than an Introvert? Let's Look at the Research Findings People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak Get the most interesting ideas of Lifehack in your inbox for free! Feedback