How to Be Assertive Without Being Too Aggressive

About LifehackContact Us Psychology Productivity Health More Psychology How to Be Assertive Without Being Too Aggressive Al Gomez SEO consultant Al Gomez is the man behind SEOExpertPage.com, Dlinkers and UnliDeals. Full Bio Have you ever been in a situation where you are in a group whose opinions are not aligned with yours? What did you do? Did you keep quiet or did you express your opinions just as they express themselves? Assertiveness is a skill of those people who can express themselves straightforwardly, without stepping on the rights of others. However, not everyone knows the importance of assertiveness for both personal and professional lives. Some people find it difficult to be assertive. But what most of us don’t know is that assertiveness is not a unique trait a person can possess that others don’t have. It is actually a skill which we can learn. Why Do Some People Find It Hard To Be Assertive To be assertive requires three points of the triangle; the passive, aggressive and assertive . You need to find the right mix of these three important points to be assertive. The Passive When we were kids, adults always taught us to be kind and friendly to other kids. Most of us have adapted this teaching to a point where we oftentimes become hesitant to express our opinions and thoughts. We believe that it is not nice to argue and disagree with others. We develop a passive behavior because we are programmed to believe that those who goes out of the norm and are not afraid to say what they want to say are rude, disrespectful and are often rejected. But what you don’t know is that by being passive no one else gets upset but you. We are stepping into our own rights and it can negatively impact our self-confidence. The Aggressive Completely opposite to being passive, aggressive people tend to fail in considering other people’s rights and feelings. They are not aware that by expressing their opinions, they have undermined the self-esteem and the rights of others. Aggressive behaviors come in so many ways. By simply demanding someone rather than asking, rushing them or ignoring them, we are encouraging them to be passive while we become aggressive. The Assertive Assertiveness is finding the right balance between being passive and being aggressive. It is a two-way communication where we can convey our message and listen to others as well. It encourages an exchange of views so the rights of both parties are exercised and opinions and feelings are expressed appropriately. It means sharing, appreciating others and seeing them as an equal. It can be a struggle finding the right balance. Our current roles, past experiences, how we view ourselves, the stress we experience and our incorrect assumption that these traits are by nature affect our responses and our communication with others. But if we become self-aware and we open our minds, we will realize how important it is to learn how to be assertive. How Can Being Assertive Help Our Professional And Personal Lives? As mentioned earlier, assertiveness can provide significant growth both in our professional and personal lives. Forbes reported 1that leaders who are assertive are perceived to have higher integrity than those who are not. Also, it is vital for an organization to have a team of assertive individuals that promote cooperation, support, unity, training and developments . This is to successfully establish an effective project management process which is essential for project success. When it comes to our personal development, assertiveness sure helps a lot. Here are some of them. Provide Yourself More Value. Assertiveness increases self-confidence and improves self-image. You develop the awareness that you have are not only entitled to your own opinions, but you have the right to express them. Also, you adopt a more realistic view of yourself. You Learn To Value Others. Rather than seeing other people as a threat, an assertive behavior allows you to see them in a realistic context. You understand the individualities of a person and you see them as collaborators which can help you achieve things. Gives You An Opportunity To Achieve More. When you convey your message appropriately and clearly, you never have to worry about unresolved issues or not being able to please other people. You can channel your effort and time for more worthy things which can help you unleash your full potential. Overall, one major benefit of being assertive is that it allows us to h ave a healthy relationship with other people while improving ourselves. It may not be easy, but over time, we can learn to develop this behavior. So, What Does It Takes To Be Assertive? Each person has different ways of developing assertiveness in them. For others, it can be pretty easy, while for some it may require them a lot of efforts to be assertive. But here are some tips we can work on to develop our assertiveness. Know Your Value As A Person Never allow other people to let you feel less important as them. Don’t allow them to make you feel inferior. Understand that your opinions, thoughts, feelings and your right to express them are as valuable as others. We have a full control of ourselves. Some people may treat us poorly because they can see us doing that on our own selves. That gives them permission to treat us the way they do. Our confidence, energy and our attitude convey a message to people. These trigger their actions towards us. If they see us as someone who has high regard of ourselves and someone who knows how to protect our rights and dignity, they will treat us as such as well. So it all starts with ourselves. When we know our value as a person, people will start to see us as their equal. Identify Your Needs And Wants And Address Them If you wait for people to address and satisfy your needs, you might wait for forever. Be independent. You need to put yourself in action to satisfy your own needs and wants. Moreover, when you learn to work towards satisfying your needs, you are more likely to reach your true potential and you become self-fulfilled. Thus, you boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. However, in your desire to achieve your goals, do not forget that there are limitations. Do not be over-fixated with your dreams that you ignore and undermine other people’s rights. They too have to work for their own desires so make sure you don’t sacrifice other people’s needs to achieve yours. Acknowledge The Fact That You Have No Control Of People’s Response As the cliché saying goes, “you can’t please everyone”. You are not responsible for other people’s response towards your actions. So stop fretting about upsetting them because of your assertive behavior. We are only responsible for our actions. We should not concede to their wants and needs for as long as we are not violating their rights and feelings. If they don’t like how we assert our own views and opinions, it is not our responsibility. Express And Accept Criticisms In An Appropriate Manner We have an imperfect life and that is why we give criticisms to others and receive criticisms as well. It is important that we should learn how to express negative thoughts to others in a way that we don’t violate their rights. Point mistakes and opinions, but express it in a way that it will be useful for the improvement and development of that certain person. Likewise, when we receive criticisms, we should not take it personally. It’s okay to be upset or angry for a moment, but we should never lose our respect for the person. Instead, let’s view criticisms as a useful feedback which we can use for our personal or professional growth. Say “No” When You Feel It’s Not Right For You We always have to go for what’s right for us. We can’t just go with other people’s demand, especially if it is not aligned with our principles. If we do, we are losing our self-worth. We should always remember that it’s okay not no please everyone for as long as we are not stepping on their rights. But, if there is really a need to do things which are beyond our capabilities, we can learn to find other alternatives to meet halfway and provide a win-win solution. Learning how to be assertive is not as complicated as we think. It may take some time to master assertiveness, but with constant practice, we can slowly make a transition. So give it a try and who knows, sooner or later, you will enjoy the long-term benefits of being assertive. References [1] Forbes: The 6 Secrets Of Successfully Assertive Leaders About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising Recommended for you Apps Aren't Always Distracting. These 10 Apps Actually Help You Focus! Revealed: Body Language That Makes You Attractive at Work and in Dating How to Find Your Ideal Career Path Without Wasting Time on Jobs Not Suitable for You Advertising What’s Popular now? 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You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Scroll down for the next article Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Psychology Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Leon Ho Leon Ho is the Founder and CEO of Lifehack, which he started in 2005 as a way to share his personal productivity hacks to make life easier. Full Bio When we talk about happiness, we think about staying happy all the time – every single day, every single minute with zero negativity. We try to pursue this constant state of “happiness” as our goal, and avoid anything that may take it away from us. But what is the meaning of this type of “happiness”? It’s like your favorite food. The more you have of it doesn’t always mean the better. On the contrary, when you only have a chance to eat it sparingly, that’s when you really savor every bite of it. So is it the food itself that makes you happy, or is it how valuable it is to you when you are eating it? We should always remember that only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy. Assuming others are always happy is the biggest misunderstanding of happiness. Most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives and assume they are happy all the time. Since childhood, we are conditioned to chase the idea of “happily-ever-after” that we see in fairytales. On social media, everyone tends to share only the best looking aspects of their lives (including ourselves). So it’s very easy to have a distorted view of what “happiness” is around us. In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant. No one has a perfect life. Even the most glamorous celebrities or the richest billionaires, everyone has their own set of challenges and problems. When we feel negative, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. As CEO of Lifehack, I’ve had to deal with countless problems, and some of them felt like real setbacks at the time. During those moments, it really seemed like these problems would be the life or death of my company and my life goals. But I got through them, and weeks, months and eventually years passed with many more ups and downs. You need to keep your sights on the extended curve. Looking back now, a lot of those “really big” problems at the time seem like only small blips in a long line of experiences. Recalling them in my mind now makes me smile! Stop trying to be happy. Just be. It’s natural to want to be happy as often as possible. So what can we do? First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness. Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s from experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for others when they are experiencing the same trials. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow. To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness. It sounds like a paradox. What I mean is, accept that there will be ups and downs throughout life. Gracefully understand that happiness is a fluctuation of positive and negative events. Understand the importance of gratitude. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant moment right now, flash back your memory to when you had or didn’t have something. I like to think about my career, for example. When I didn’t have a career I was passionate about, I felt lost and demotivated. I felt like everyone was figuring out their lives but me. But when I found my purpose and started Lifehack, I was deeply happy, even before I realized I would be successful! This memory keeps me going when there are tough spots. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light. Happiness and sadness exist together What it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful, happy and incredible moments. Happy tears and joyous shouts and funny stories. But your life will also be filled with rain and storms that don’t ever seem to pass when you’re going through them. But whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened by the rain, know that it’s all part of the ebb and flow of life. Treasure the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Don’t try to avoid “sad” or “negative” experiences, and blindly chase being “happy”. In the end you will achieve a true level of contentment in your life, based on meaningful experiences and achievements. Being able to create growth and meaning out of both positive and negative events — that is the true meaning of “happiness”. References Featured photo credit: InsideOut via facebook.com About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! 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The Best Questions to Ask in an Interview to Leave a Remarkable Impression

About LifehackContact Us Psychology Productivity Health More Work The Best Questions to Ask in an Interview to Leave a Remarkable Impression Jenny Marchal Jenny Marchal is a freelance writer. Full Bio You’ve finally got through to the end of the interview and your potential employer asks you the most common question – “Do you have any questions?” Many people don’t think of this as an important question, and actually the most common reply is “no.” Perhaps you had some basic questions in your mind but felt they were already covered during the interview? Perhaps you didn’t think of any at all because surely an interview is more about what you’re saying than what your potential employer is saying? If this is the case, then you may be hindering your chances of getting the job more than you realize. Why This Simple Question Can Be Hard to Answer If you’re particularly nervous in interviews, whether or not you felt you performed well, your mind can start to feel relief at the end of an interview and start to get into a relaxed state. The problem here is that we believe the “do you have any questions?” is the moment where the interview is over, but in fact you’re still essentially being tested by the interviewer. They want to gauge your interest in them, the role, or the company. If you’re unprepared with interesting or information-seeking questions, you may come across as disinterested and unenthusiastic for the job. The other problem is if we did prepare questions, but they were already answered in the interview process. It can be hard to search for new questions on the spot, and we can end up not being able to think of any. How Asking Questions Can Prove You’re the Best Fit for the Job Enthusiasm, interest, and a good, two-way flowing conversation are all excellent ways to come across well when meeting with a potential recruiter. While the bulk of the interview is to shine a good light on yourself and your abilities for the role, asking questions really shows your potential employer your knowledge, awareness of the role, and that you prepared fully for the interview. It essentially shows you’re serious about the job and if you’ve done your research on the company and its values, it can be an opportunity to further show your knowledge about them and how they operate. But it’s not all about the recruiter, it’s also a chance for you to see if they’re a good fit for your work values, career progression, and work lifestyle. What Types of Questions Should I Ask? Preparation is key. It’s important to have at least two potential smart questions that can demonstrate your enthusiasm for the job. The best ones incorporate your interest in the employer while also eliciting essential information for yourself and whether the job is a good fit for you. In other words, your questions are focused and open-ended. Questions to Find out About the Company This is an opportunity to show off your knowledge of the company, but also to see if it’s somewhere that will benefit you and your career path. I read the company focuses on the importance of community and runs a volunteer scheme for its employees. Can you tell me a bit more about that? Could you tell me a bit more about the culture of the company? How does the company invest in its employees in terms of training? How does this company define and measure success? Questions to Find out About the Role Show more enthusiasm for the role by asking additional questions. Remember, you can pick up on something the recruiter mentioned when describing the role and ask to elaborate on it, or you can think about your future in this role and how it can help you grow. Can you tell me how you can potentially see this role progressing? What are your expectations for this role for the next month, three months, or year? Can you tell me what a typical day would be in this role? What are biggest challenges of this job? Is this a new position? If not, what did the previous employee go on to do? Questions to Ask the Interviewer Asking the interviewer for their personal view on their role in the company and how it works for them is a good indicator for a typical work life at this company, and perhaps the team you’ll work in. What do you enjoy most about working here? How long have you been with the company? Is there anything you would improve in terms of working here? What are the dynamics of the team like? Questions to Further Clarify Your Suitability for The Role If you feel you have more to say about yourself that could help you get the job, or you’d like to clarify something about your work history, then now can be a good time to present the information. Try not to force information if it hasn’t been asked for – this is a way for you to come across as being open. However, over-explaining a discrepancy that hasn’t been asked about will probably cause problems for yourself. What can I clarify for you about my qualifications? Do you have any reservations about my qualifications? Are there any other questions I can answer for you? Questions to Find out Logistics There will most likely be questions to do with the next steps in the process that you would like answered. It’s good to think of a few because you don’t want to leave the interview wondering what is happening next. It’s best to ask these right at the end. What is the next step in the hiring process? When can I expect to hear back about the job? When is the anticipated starting date for this position? If I think of any more questions who can I contact? Remember: Don’t ask questions about salary, benefits, taking off holiday, or whether you got the job. These will be discussed after the interview. So, remember to have a few questions under your belt. Continue the mindset that this is still a crucial part of the interview, and you’re showing off your enthusiasm and interest in both them and the role. However, it’s also for your benefit, and having good information-seeking questions can help you know if the job fits you. Good luck! About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising Recommended for you How to Be Assertive Without Being Too Aggressive 20 Fun Jobs That Pay Well (and You May Have Never Imagined) Revealed: Body Language That Makes You Attractive at Work and in Dating Advertising What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 100 Business Ideas for You to Become Your Own Boss 40 Common Interview Questions to Make You 90% Prepared Before the Interview One Item That Is Often Absent in Resumes but Extremely Important: Soft Skills Don't Focus on Happiness. Focus on Self Actualization Learn More About Career Advice Seven Simple Yet Effective Ways to Make Money Online Why Too Much Positive Thinking Can Get In The Way of Success Why Big Dreams Can Be Big Problems 10 Reasons Why (Almost) Everyone You Know Hates Their Job Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Scroll down for the next article Pick Your Job Based On What You Love To Do, Not How Much You Have Invested In. Work Pick Your Job Based On What You Love To Do, Not How Much You Have Invested In. Angelina Phebus Angelina Phebus is a writer, registered yoga teacher (RYT 200), and voracious reader. Full Bio Have you ever continued to pursue something even though it no longer served you? Maybe it’s a degree program or the dead-end job that you refuse to give up. Perhaps you’ve stayed in a relationship for no other reason than the fact that you’ve been committed to it for so long. From time to time, we all justify staying the course by considering the effort we’ve put into our current situation. Many of us decide to take a job just because it’s a good use of our training. When we invest time and money in getting a degree, we expect that we should use it. Maybe you hate your job, but you can only envision yourself taking similar positions with equal or greater pay and responsibility. You may feel trapped by the decisions you made before, but you don’t have to be. Whatever you do, do it because you love it. When you are trying to figure out how to decide on a career, it is easy to be influenced by the types of work and training you’ve already undertaken. In general, you get a degree or training in a field that interests you, and this leads you to a job in that field. If you should ever decide to leave your job, there’s a high probability that you will look for work in the same field with similar pay and responsibilities. You are less likely to consider whether you still like the work that you do — you feel obligated to continue your career trajectory regardless of how you feel. This is how people get stuck doing jobs that they don’t like. Instead of thinking about what would make you the best and happiest version of yourself, you may face temptation to maintain the status quo. Many of us do this because we fear wasting our efforts.1 Others feel that their persistence will eventually be valued, and changing course doesn’t fit well within the story they are creating about themselves or their business.2 They may willingly take on sunk costs with the belief that their situation will improve. Don’t get sucked in by sunk costs. The sunk cost fallacy is the assumption that you must continue follow a trajectory because you have already put lots of resources into that particular career path or personal endeavor. We can be so loss-averse that we avoid the possibility of greater gains through changing our approach.3 If you are wondering how to decide on a career, and you take a job solely because it makes use of your years of training, then you might be worrying more about sunk costs than your future happiness and success. Refusing to leave a career that is unfulfilling could be a sign that you are caught in the job investment trap, which is a variation of the sunk cost fallacy.4 Businesses also fall into this pattern of continuing down a failing path just because they already put time and money into initiatives. For example, an entrepreneur might take out a loan to open a second business location. They reason that since business is booming at Location #1, success in Location #2 should be a cinch. After about a year, the owner realizes that Location #2 is hemorrhaging money, and the only way to stop the bleeding is to scale back to one store. The numbers don’t lie, but despite the irrefutable evidence, the owner may still have trouble cutting his or her losses. The business owner thinks about the effort, time, and emotion that went into Location #2. From an outsider’s perspective, it is easy to see that the business owner in the example or the person stuck in an uninspiring career should try something new. It is harder to let go of sunk costs when we are faced with them ourselves. You aren’t a one-trick pony. Just because you took a particular course of study in school doesn’t mean that you are bound to that discipline for the rest of your life. When you are figuring out how to decide on a career, ask yourself the following questions: What are you interested in doing? If you are passionate about your work, then it won’t feel like a burden. What skills do you need to do this job? We often think of our degree or primary training as our default career option, but the default may not be the best choice. If you need to change focus, what transferable skills do you have, and what additional training will you need to be successful?5 Is there room for growth in this job? Today, the average employee stays with a company for 4.2 years before moving on.6 What types of skills can you build in your current work? How can you leverage your growth to position you for a fulfilling career? Do you have opportunities to work with different people? Forming meaningful connections with people is one of the best things you can do for yourself professionally. You’ll not only be happier at work, but if you decide to change careers, you will already have a solid professional network. 7 What can this job offer you in 3 years? Consider your expectations for income and authority-level in the next three years. Is this job going to give you what you want? If not, how will taking this position help you work toward your end goal? Can this job help you to become the kind of person you want to be? Being inspired by the work that you do can brighten even the toughest days. Do you feel that your work is meaningful?8 Does it bring you closer to being the optimal of yourself? Know when to hold and when to fold. You can’t recover sunk costs, but you don’t have to perpetuate a cycle of loss. “I’ve already put so much time into this,” isn’t a good enough justification to continue down a particular path. Deciding to change directions doesn’t meant that you have failed. It makes zero sense to continue to put resources into something that isn’t working for you. Although you may feel like you have wasted an experience or lost time, remember that you have probably learned some valuable information as you undertook the process. Just because it didn’t go the way you expected doesn’t mean that it’s a total loss. Being successful and following your dreams are not mutually exclusive. Use what you know to keep growing, and don’t be discouraged if you have to change course along the way. References [1] Psychology Today: Letting Go of Sunk Costs: How to Escape the Past [2] Ryan Doody: The Sunk Cost Fallacy is Not a Fallacy [3] Learning Loft: Why Perseverance Might Actually Be Hurting Your Career [4] Lifehacker: Don’t Let the Job Investment Trap Keep you from Switching Careers [5] The Muse: 8 Steps to an Utterly Successful Career Change [6] Bureau of Labor Statistics: Employee Tenure Summary [7] CareerShifters: How to Change Career When You Have No Idea What You are Doing [8] Forbes: Five Ways to Tell if You Need a Career Change About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising Recommended for you 30 Morning Routines That Can Make You Motivated and Productive for a Whole Day 23 Body Language Tricks That Make You Instantly Likeable People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 100 Life Hacks That Make Life Easier If You Understand These 5 Rules In Psychology, You Can Live A Much Easier Life 5 Real Ways to Actually Make Money Online 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success Learn More About Work The First Thing All Amazing Startups Work on for a Refreshing Beginning How To Find That Key Person That Can Help You Progress in Your Career? If You Don't Know What To Do With Your Life, Read This. The First Thing All Amazing Startups Work on for a Refreshing Beginning Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Feedback

I Have 8 Ideas to Spot Your Ideal Career Path. Do You Have 5 Minutes?

WorkI Have 8 Ideas to Spot Your Ideal Career Path. Do You Have 5 Minutes? Share: Work I Have 8 Ideas to Spot Your Ideal Career Path. Do You Have 5 Minutes? Erica Wagner Erica is a writer, passionista, and Great Dane enthusiast. Full Bio Some grow up knowing exactly which career path they want to take while others just can’t seem to figure it out. Maybe you’ve been in the same profession for years and you’re looking to get into something else, but you’re just not sure what. We’d all love to find our calling early on in life and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is rarely what happens. If you’re struggling to decide which career path is right for you, here are some ideas to help ease the stress. Take the Tests to Find Out What Excites You Whatever you decide to do, make sure it’s something that you’re going to enjoy. Make sure you won’t dread getting out of bed every day. It’s not as difficult as it seems. Sit down, think about the things that you genuinely enjoy doing and write them down. Having a passion for something isn’t the only thing required when discovering a career path, but it’s certainly an essential part. When you thoroughly enjoy something, it’ll definitely help you power through the bad days. If you need some help, try taking the free personality test below. It requires you to really think about what you enjoy and to evaluate yourself. When completed, you’ll be given a list of different professions based on your answers: Big Five Personality Test The next test asks a series of 60 questions about different things you could see yourself doing. Such as working with people or working with spreadsheets on a computer. At the end of the test you’ll be given a list of professions that you may enjoy just like the test above: My Next Move Career Test Use the G+P+V Formula for Perfect Match G-Gifts P-Passions V-Values “Gifts” means to consider your strengths. Start by thinking about what you’re good at and writing it down. “Passions” means to think about what excites you. Do you enjoy helping other people, working alone, solving problems? Lastly, “values” is really all about your personality and lifestyle. What about the way you work is nonnegotiable? When you use your strengths towards what you’re invested in, a path that supports your values will lead you to a career that you genuinely enjoy. Find a Mentor to Clear All Your Confusion Having a mentor is extremely beneficial when figuring out which career path is best for you. They could really help you take your career to new heights. It’s like having an insider to talk with about the career and make sure you’re on the right path. If you’re unsure how to ask someone to be your mentor, try this: when you find a career that you’re interested in, explore different companies and people to see if you’re able to shadow for a few days. This will give you a better idea of what you’ll be doing in that line of work. Take a Look at the Options You Have Never Considered There are popular careers that we all know about such as being a teacher, doctor, lawyer, etc. For some, those typical choices may not peak your interest in the slightest. There are thousands upon thousands of jobs out there. Many you probably have not heard about. Take a look at these unusual jobs from Business Insider. You Don’t Have to Hop Between Full-Time Jobs, Internships Can Be Your Choice If you have some flexibility, an internship is an awesome way to get first-hand experience in the field of work you’re looking to get into. As the internship comes to a close, you may be able to score a full-time job. It may help you discover that you’re on the wrong career path which is okay. Something positive comes from both outcomes. Either way, it’ll help build your network and introduce you to people who you can get career and job advice from. Prepare a Clear Career Plan to Stop Yourself from Distracted As with a lot of things in life, it will be more beneficial if you have some plans made and goals set for yourself. Maybe you’ve thought about becoming a writer, but after writing comes editing and you’re not sure that’s what you want to do. Maybe you’ve been a nurse for years, and you’d like to become a florist. It’s important to think about how you’re going to get there. Make a map planning out where you want to go with steps, possible obstacles, and goals. Take Aptitude Tests to Understand Your Interest and Strengths You may be sitting there thinking that you don’t know what interests you or what your strong suits are. Personality and career assessment tests help narrow down careers that you may enjoy, and are at least worth looking into. You may have taken them in high school so you could start thinking about what you’d like to do. Maybe you took one in college when you started to rethink whether or not the major you chose was a good fit. This one from Oprah’s website includes 5 aptitude tests on the first page. You can download and complete each one. When finished, head over to page two to see your results and what they mean. Make Use of the Resources You Have There’s no harm in reaching out to people. One of the best ways to find a career path is to talk with and ask people questions about their field of work. It will give you a little insight when you’re unsure what the job entails. Another great outlet to look into and take advantage of is LinkedIn. It has tons of information about a laundry list of professions, and you have the option to message people when you have some questions. Take a look at this site which lists many different careers and what they entail. It’s a great resource to use when researching. Look at You career As a Stepping Stone A career isn’t about racing to the top. Look at your career as if it were a marathon. Instead of a sprint, learn to enjoy all the twists and turns, all the ups and the downs that you encounter along the way. When you put all of your experiences together, you will find a career worth having. Figuring out and deciding what career path you want to take may be long, frustrating, and difficult. It’s impossible to know if you’re going to enjoy what you choose to do twenty years down the line, but it’s important to think about the here and now. What do YOU enjoy? Choosing a particular career does not mean you have to spend the rest of your life in that profession. Explore all of your options and have fun doing your research. Knowledge is power! About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising Recommended for you Revealed: Body Language That Makes You Attractive at Work and in Dating The Best Questions to Ask in an Interview to Leave a Remarkable Impression The Secret to Living a Happier Life? Follow the Rule of Less Is More What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 100 Business Ideas for You to Become Your Own Boss Don't Focus on Happiness. Focus on Self Actualization 10 Personality Disorders Many of Us Aren't Aware Of 30 Morning Routines That Can Make You Motivated and Productive for a Whole Day Learn More About Career Advice Seven Simple Yet Effective Ways to Make Money Online Why Too Much Positive Thinking Can Get In The Way of Success Why Big Dreams Can Be Big Problems 10 Reasons Why (Almost) Everyone You Know Hates Their Job Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Scroll down for the next article Pick Your Job Based On What You Love To Do, Not How Much You Have Invested In. Work Pick Your Job Based On What You Love To Do, Not How Much You Have Invested In. Angelina Phebus Angelina Phebus is a writer, registered yoga teacher (RYT 200), and voracious reader. Full Bio Have you ever continued to pursue something even though it no longer served you? Maybe it’s a degree program or the dead-end job that you refuse to give up. Perhaps you’ve stayed in a relationship for no other reason than the fact that you’ve been committed to it for so long. From time to time, we all justify staying the course by considering the effort we’ve put into our current situation. Many of us decide to take a job just because it’s a good use of our training. When we invest time and money in getting a degree, we expect that we should use it. Maybe you hate your job, but you can only envision yourself taking similar positions with equal or greater pay and responsibility. You may feel trapped by the decisions you made before, but you don’t have to be. Whatever you do, do it because you love it. When you are trying to figure out how to decide on a career, it is easy to be influenced by the types of work and training you’ve already undertaken. In general, you get a degree or training in a field that interests you, and this leads you to a job in that field. If you should ever decide to leave your job, there’s a high probability that you will look for work in the same field with similar pay and responsibilities. You are less likely to consider whether you still like the work that you do — you feel obligated to continue your career trajectory regardless of how you feel. This is how people get stuck doing jobs that they don’t like. Instead of thinking about what would make you the best and happiest version of yourself, you may face temptation to maintain the status quo. Many of us do this because we fear wasting our efforts.1 Others feel that their persistence will eventually be valued, and changing course doesn’t fit well within the story they are creating about themselves or their business.2 They may willingly take on sunk costs with the belief that their situation will improve. Don’t get sucked in by sunk costs. The sunk cost fallacy is the assumption that you must continue follow a trajectory because you have already put lots of resources into that particular career path or personal endeavor. We can be so loss-averse that we avoid the possibility of greater gains through changing our approach.3 If you are wondering how to decide on a career, and you take a job solely because it makes use of your years of training, then you might be worrying more about sunk costs than your future happiness and success. Refusing to leave a career that is unfulfilling could be a sign that you are caught in the job investment trap, which is a variation of the sunk cost fallacy.4 Businesses also fall into this pattern of continuing down a failing path just because they already put time and money into initiatives. For example, an entrepreneur might take out a loan to open a second business location. They reason that since business is booming at Location #1, success in Location #2 should be a cinch. After about a year, the owner realizes that Location #2 is hemorrhaging money, and the only way to stop the bleeding is to scale back to one store. The numbers don’t lie, but despite the irrefutable evidence, the owner may still have trouble cutting his or her losses. The business owner thinks about the effort, time, and emotion that went into Location #2. From an outsider’s perspective, it is easy to see that the business owner in the example or the person stuck in an uninspiring career should try something new. It is harder to let go of sunk costs when we are faced with them ourselves. You aren’t a one-trick pony. Just because you took a particular course of study in school doesn’t mean that you are bound to that discipline for the rest of your life. When you are figuring out how to decide on a career, ask yourself the following questions: What are you interested in doing? If you are passionate about your work, then it won’t feel like a burden. What skills do you need to do this job? We often think of our degree or primary training as our default career option, but the default may not be the best choice. If you need to change focus, what transferable skills do you have, and what additional training will you need to be successful?5 Is there room for growth in this job? Today, the average employee stays with a company for 4.2 years before moving on.6 What types of skills can you build in your current work? How can you leverage your growth to position you for a fulfilling career? Do you have opportunities to work with different people? Forming meaningful connections with people is one of the best things you can do for yourself professionally. You’ll not only be happier at work, but if you decide to change careers, you will already have a solid professional network. 7 What can this job offer you in 3 years? Consider your expectations for income and authority-level in the next three years. Is this job going to give you what you want? If not, how will taking this position help you work toward your end goal? Can this job help you to become the kind of person you want to be? Being inspired by the work that you do can brighten even the toughest days. Do you feel that your work is meaningful?8 Does it bring you closer to being the optimal of yourself? Know when to hold and when to fold. You can’t recover sunk costs, but you don’t have to perpetuate a cycle of loss. “I’ve already put so much time into this,” isn’t a good enough justification to continue down a particular path. Deciding to change directions doesn’t meant that you have failed. It makes zero sense to continue to put resources into something that isn’t working for you. Although you may feel like you have wasted an experience or lost time, remember that you have probably learned some valuable information as you undertook the process. Just because it didn’t go the way you expected doesn’t mean that it’s a total loss. Being successful and following your dreams are not mutually exclusive. Use what you know to keep growing, and don’t be discouraged if you have to change course along the way. References [1] Psychology Today: Letting Go of Sunk Costs: How to Escape the Past [2] Ryan Doody: The Sunk Cost Fallacy is Not a Fallacy [3] Learning Loft: Why Perseverance Might Actually Be Hurting Your Career [4] Lifehacker: Don’t Let the Job Investment Trap Keep you from Switching Careers [5] The Muse: 8 Steps to an Utterly Successful Career Change [6] Bureau of Labor Statistics: Employee Tenure Summary [7] CareerShifters: How to Change Career When You Have No Idea What You are Doing [8] Forbes: Five Ways to Tell if You Need a Career Change About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising Recommended for you 30 Morning Routines That Can Make You Motivated and Productive for a Whole Day 23 Body Language Tricks That Make You Instantly Likeable People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 100 Life Hacks That Make Life Easier If You Understand These 5 Rules In Psychology, You Can Live A Much Easier Life 5 Real Ways to Actually Make Money Online 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success Learn More About Work The First Thing All Amazing Startups Work on for a Refreshing Beginning How To Find That Key Person That Can Help You Progress in Your Career? If You Don't Know What To Do With Your Life, Read This. The First Thing All Amazing Startups Work on for a Refreshing Beginning Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Feedback

Devoting to a Narcissistic Lover Is Like Playing With Fire. It Is Risky.

About LifehackContact Us Psychology Productivity Health More Psychology Devoting to a Narcissistic Lover Is Like Playing With Fire. It Is Risky. Kris Lee She is a CPA for Board of Education while consistently writing to inspire children and young adults on leadership, communication, financial literacy and emotional health. Full Bio If you’ve ever fallen in love, you would know how good it makes you feel. It’s an exciting and at the same time terrifying sensation. You might be falling hard for the person and expect the relationship to lead to the beginning of your fairy tale. But be aware, it may not be what you think it is, but a fake love trap with a malignant narcissist. Narcissists are everywhere. It is no surprise that we encounter such self-serving individuals at home, at work and in our everyday life. In reality, all of us have some degree of narcissistic traits. Some individuals, however, are over the top in serving themselves and cause emotional harm to others. In fact, Narcissist Personality Disorder wasn’t categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association until 1987 as too many people share some of the traits and it’s very difficult to diagnose. “Yes” to these questions? Chance is you may have a narcissistic lover. First, ask yourself the following questions to see if you would recognize some of narcissistic signs in your toxic lover. Do they have issues with his mother or father? Are they emotionally immature? Are they more of a taker than a giver? Do they have grandiose tendencies? Do they have questionable moral standards? Are they perpetual liars or manipulators? Do they lack empathy towards others? Do they blame everybody for their problems and never take responsibility for their life? Are they argumentative? Are they control freak? Do they show a lack of remorse? Do they have anger issue? Does being around them make you feel confused and chaotic? Do they often say hurtful things to you and then accuse you of overreacting or being too emotional? Do you feel worse emotionally now than you started dating? Do they make you feel bad, worthless or critical of you? Do they seem to be exceptionally attractive? If you answer YES to some or all of the above, you’re in love with a narcissist. Not only are you in a relationship that can be more than painful but also downright dangerous. If you are not convinced yet, read on and RUN before they destroy your precious self and your life. 24/7 with your lover doesn’t mean thorough understanding. Check these signs: Additionally, here are 8 signs that you should look out for in them to understand who they truly are. I am the best (not really). You might think they love themselves. Actually, they dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outwards in their disdain for and criticism of others. This is why they don’t want to look at themselves and have intense need for admiration to fill very low self esteem. They’re too afraid, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. Actually, they don’t have much of a Self at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside. They believe that they are special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or of high-status people. They unreasonably expect special and favorable treatments to feed their false ego. You can’t catch me. It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success and charisma cast a spell. They’re often super-attractive. They also tend to want to move fast in the relationship. They may appear charming on the surface but the emotion runs very shallow. They simply manipulate you to lower your guard and allow attachment to occur. Because the relationship starts out so well, and because the ugliness seems to come out of nowhere, even the most grounded people can get caught by surprise. They might later admit to having seen plenty of red flags but because the illusion of the narcissist’s great qualities is so vivid, they tend to be ignored. They even watch porn and cheat as they think they’re god’s gift to the world. They’re known to make their partners go without sex as a way to frustrate, punish, and even humiliate them out choosing porn over sex with them or just to hurt you. Thus, pace the relationship in such a way that your dating partner’s true self comes forth gradually so you are well aware of who you are dating and what they are capable of. This honeymoon phase though ends quickly as they reveal their true self and being with a narcissist soon turns from loving, devoted and committed to cold, critical and most heartbreaking, unfaithful. None of it make sense, does it? You just listen to me, okay? It’s all about them and never a two way communication. They don’t like to hear No and have difficulty with compromise. Setting boundaries threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way and to make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. If you give in, they mistake kindness for weakness. Should you challenge a narcissist or call them out on their bad behavior, you’ll instantly be confronted with narcissistic rage. Underneath the narcissistic exterior is a rage and disgust most people couldn’t fathom. Having a daily relationship with a narcissist takes a lot of mental work to figure out the motives or intentions. There’s never a dull moment in a relationship with a narcissist, which can be exciting in the beginning but ultimately feels draining and infuriating. I need no rules (I don’t follow them anyway). One of the most frustrating experiences with a narcissist is that rules are broken and boundaries trespassed, but they will never take accountability for it. They can’t bear the thoughts that they are wrong. Their ego is so inflated that they truly believe they’re perfect. In reality, it’s quite the opposite. Instead, it’s that a narcissist’s true ego or sense of self is so incredibly fragile and insecure that they cannot tolerate any hint of criticism. They can’t take accountability for any hurts or boundary-crossings because they aren’t internally sturdy enough to synthesize and integrate complex feelings. The narcissist is so averse to criticism and accountability because he sees the world through a lens of entitlement. Narcissists feel entitled to indulge any thought, feeling or whim they happen to have in a given moment, and automatic compliance from others is expected and even demanded. I am the boss. They target people to use as narcissistic supply to fuel their ego. They are out to get intelligent, self-sufficient, empathetic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. They feel a sense of challenge in targeting highly successful, attractive individuals who may already be in other relationships or who express a sense of vulnerability. Narcissists are masters of love bombing which is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. They do this to make you dependent on them, while also testing your boundaries. Once they discover that you are not perfect after all, you’ll not only be told the opposite, but you’ll be punished for your imperfections, which are often exaggerated and sometimes nonexistent projections. Punishment often includes terrible statements meant to degrade, demean, humiliate or stonewall you. They withhold affection and may even spread nasty rumors about you behind your back. I am charming and gentle outside, rude and ruthless inside. Ahhh, these three little words can change your life. But when a narcissist says it, those words take on an entirely different meaning than what you’d expect. It’s the act of tempting you with those things you will never get that keeps you with them. In public, narcissists switch on the charm that first drew you in. People gravitate towards them and are enlivened by their energy. You’re proud to bask in their glow, but at home, they’re totally different. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. You begin to wonder if they have an outward double personality. Ever since they were denied genuine love and support as a child, they cowardly take it out on you with hurtful words and manipulative tactics under the guise of love. But we all know it’s not real and can see through the mask. Eventually their masks are coming off and be ready to jump off the ship when it happens. You most likely won’t be the only one. They are unable to form healthy attachments with other human beings. So even though they may say they are in love, they always have their eye out for the next best thing. And there is always a next best thing. Even if they are in what appears to be a committed relationship, rest assured they are dabbling on the side. If there is the opportunity to get more attention and adoration from a potential love interest, the narcissist will take it. Anyone who thinks that their narcissist is capable of being faithful is fooling himself/herself. They are always on the lookout for something better no matter what they say to the contrary. You should just be as good as me. You begin to doubt yourself and worry what they will think. After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your narcissistic partner finds you coming up short, and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists, and nothing you do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. Narcissists have no boundaries and see you as an extension of themselves, requiring that you’re on call to meet their needs. You might get caught up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-blind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do. Most individuals are emotionally traumatized by their toxic encounter with a narcissist. They are not only grieving the loss of the relationship, but they are also processing the unreality of a fake relationship. People with narcissistic characteristics may be prone to causing harm by invading personal boundaries, lying about almost anything and everything, engaging in abuse, and exhibiting no empathy or remorse for emotional harm they have done. What you must learn about a narcissist. There is no way to fix or improve the behavior of a narcissist. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, it is in your best interests to get yourself out of the relationship as quickly as possible. Pick up the shattered pieces of your life, take them with you and never turn back. However, with a narcissist is that making a clean break is almost impossible. By the time a break up is on the horizon, the partner of a narcissist is has been so beaten down psychologically they are unable to move on. Besides you’re likely to be unpleasantly surprised to see the narcissist partner to react with rage, insult you, hurt you in any way possible, lie about you or half-apologize and to explain themselves. SO, keep the contacts at minimum and create solid boundaries. It’s okay not to be okay. Feel your feelings. You will have good days and not so good days. You might feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster at times. Openly discuss your feelings. Join a support group. The support of people who understand exactly what you are experiencing is vital to healing and recovery. Take an honest self-inventory. Were you at a low point in your life when you met the narcissist? Was your self-esteem compromised? Were you lonely or did you just come out of a bad relationship? Do you lack good boundaries? Do you have childhood wounds, perhaps an unavailable or narcissistic parent? Don’t dwell on what-ifs. Breaking up with a narcissist is painfully harder than a normal breakup. One of the many reasons for this is they pummel us with manipulation, assault our self-worth, and stealthily erode our self-esteem. Then when the relationship is over, we beat ourselves up for the things we did or did not do, and berate ourselves for staying longer than we should have, and for the signs we failed to recognize. Accept that the narcissist as who they are. They are totally incapable of love and deep connection. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome. You were not loved for you as a person. You were used for the perks you were able to provide. You were their human helium tank that maintained their inflated view of themselves. I know it sounds harsh, and it’s a very painful realization to accept. But the acceptance of this fact is also the very thing that will accelerate your healing and set you free. Blessings often come in disguise. Narcissistic abuse is a betrayal of the heart, soul, mind, and spirit, and often the wallet too. It corrupts and completely shatters what we thought was reality and tarnishes our faith in humanity. For this reason, it takes a while to restore our equilibrium and process the trauma of our experience. Putting the pieces of your life back together and rebuilding yourself is not an easy, painfree process, but it is worthwhile in the end. You will be strengthened and move on. You will come to view the breakup as a blessing. You will realize that through your relationship with the narcissist, you were given the gift of self-discovery, transformation, and renewal. You will never be the same again but you will be a better, stronger, wiser and an infinitely happier version of your old self. References Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising Recommended for you I Have 8 Ideas to Spot Your Ideal Career Path. Do You Have 5 Minutes? Will You Be Highly Successful in the Future? These 8 Signs Can Foretell the Answer How to Know If You're Really in Love or Not (Yes It Can Be Confusing) Advertising Advertising Advertising What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success Don't Focus on Happiness. Focus on Self Actualization 10 Personality Disorders Many of Us Aren't Aware Of 30 Morning Routines That Can Make You Motivated and Productive for a Whole Day Learn More About Psychology 50% of Marriages Ends up in Divorce, Is It That Hard to Save a Marriage? The Scientific Explanation on Why We Attract What We Are Self-Defeating Habits That Make Talented People Become Average Telltale Signs You've Been Suffering from Burnout for a Long Time Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Scroll down for the next article Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Psychology Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Leon Ho Leon Ho is the Founder and CEO of Lifehack, which he started in 2005 as a way to share his personal productivity hacks to make life easier. Full Bio When we talk about happiness, we think about staying happy all the time – every single day, every single minute with zero negativity. We try to pursue this constant state of “happiness” as our goal, and avoid anything that may take it away from us. But what is the meaning of this type of “happiness”? It’s like your favorite food. The more you have of it doesn’t always mean the better. On the contrary, when you only have a chance to eat it sparingly, that’s when you really savor every bite of it. So is it the food itself that makes you happy, or is it how valuable it is to you when you are eating it? We should always remember that only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy. Assuming others are always happy is the biggest misunderstanding of happiness. Most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives and assume they are happy all the time. Since childhood, we are conditioned to chase the idea of “happily-ever-after” that we see in fairytales. On social media, everyone tends to share only the best looking aspects of their lives (including ourselves). So it’s very easy to have a distorted view of what “happiness” is around us. In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant. No one has a perfect life. Even the most glamorous celebrities or the richest billionaires, everyone has their own set of challenges and problems. When we feel negative, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. As CEO of Lifehack, I’ve had to deal with countless problems, and some of them felt like real setbacks at the time. During those moments, it really seemed like these problems would be the life or death of my company and my life goals. But I got through them, and weeks, months and eventually years passed with many more ups and downs. You need to keep your sights on the extended curve. Looking back now, a lot of those “really big” problems at the time seem like only small blips in a long line of experiences. Recalling them in my mind now makes me smile! Stop trying to be happy. Just be. It’s natural to want to be happy as often as possible. So what can we do? First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness. Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s from experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for others when they are experiencing the same trials. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow. To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness. It sounds like a paradox. What I mean is, accept that there will be ups and downs throughout life. Gracefully understand that happiness is a fluctuation of positive and negative events. Understand the importance of gratitude. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant moment right now, flash back your memory to when you had or didn’t have something. I like to think about my career, for example. When I didn’t have a career I was passionate about, I felt lost and demotivated. I felt like everyone was figuring out their lives but me. But when I found my purpose and started Lifehack, I was deeply happy, even before I realized I would be successful! This memory keeps me going when there are tough spots. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light. Happiness and sadness exist together What it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful, happy and incredible moments. Happy tears and joyous shouts and funny stories. But your life will also be filled with rain and storms that don’t ever seem to pass when you’re going through them. But whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened by the rain, know that it’s all part of the ebb and flow of life. Treasure the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Don’t try to avoid “sad” or “negative” experiences, and blindly chase being “happy”. In the end you will achieve a true level of contentment in your life, based on meaningful experiences and achievements. Being able to create growth and meaning out of both positive and negative events — that is the true meaning of “happiness”. References Featured photo credit: InsideOut via facebook.com About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success 100 Inspirational Quotes That Will Make You Love Life Again Shortcut to Happiness Happiness: The Thing We All Look For But Never Really Understand Learn More About Psychology 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success What Is Love and What Is Not How to Stay Motivated Even Though You Can't See Yourself Moving Forward How to Make Someone Who's Angry at You Suddenly Become Nice (Even If He's a Stranger!) Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Feedback

The Scientific Explanation on Why We Attract What We Are

Psychology The Scientific Explanation on Why We Attract What We Are Amber Pariona Professional EFL Teacher, MPA, and English/Spanish Translator. Full Bio Have you ever noticed a pattern in your romantic relationships? We tend to have very specific behaviors with our partners and these behaviors tend to repeat themselves. Maybe you’ve been called “clingy” a couple times? Or maybe you run from relationship problems rather than work through them. Whatever your particular relationship pattern, it can all be explained by attachment theory. Attachment theory helps explain the attachment style we use in our adult relationships. Understanding this, is the key to finding a lasting relationship. Your attachment style determines who you attract. How can understanding attachment theory help you find a partner? Well, your attachment style affects every aspect of your romantic relationships, from being attracted to a particular person to how the breakup goes.1 Learning more about your attachment style, helps you learn more about your personal needs and how to get those needs met.2 Attachment theory can help you understand what strengths and weaknesses you bring to a relationship and how you can make those traits work in your favor. The more you understand your attachment style, the more likely you are to find somebody that matches and complements that style. We are all wired to one of the 4 types of attachment styles. According to attachment theory, there are 4 types of attachment styles3: 1. Secure Attachment If you experienced a secure relationship with your parents and grew up feeling safe to grow and explore independently, you probably have secure attachment. This means that you tend to feel secure and close to your partner, but still respect each person’s independence in the relationship. 2. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment If you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, it might be hard for you to feel satisfied in your romantic relationships. In fact, you might be described as clingy or possessive as you rely on your partner to make you feel happy or to help you overcome your fears. You might even spend a lot of time worried that you will lose your significant other. 3. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment If you are a dismissive avoidant, attachment theory says that you tend to isolate yourself from your partner. You might come off as unconcerned with your relationship and may go so far as to say that having a romantic partner isn’t that important. You try to avoid emotional connection with another person. 4. Fearful Avoidant Attachment If you have fearful avoidant attachment, you probably experience two kinds of fear simultaneously: the fear of letting yourself get to close to your partner and the fear of being too distant with your partner. Living in this constant state of confusion takes a toll on your emotions. People have probably told you that you’re emotional and unpredictable because your moods tend to change dramatically and with no warning. According to research, around 50% of the general population has a secure attachment style, 20% has an anxious attachment style, and 25% has an avoidant attachment style.4 In the dating world, that is single and available adults, you’re more likely to find somebody who fits one of the avoidant attachment styles. Why? Because people with secure attachment have a higher probability of being in a committed relationship.5 So, you’ve looked over the relationship styles of attachment theory and think you know which category you fit in. So now how do use that information to help you find a lasting relationship? Some people tend to be drawn to a specific type of people. Attachment theory tells us that people with certain attachment styles tend to be drawn to somebody of a complementary nature. What does this mean? If you’re an anxious or avoidant person, you might find a secure person to be a little boring. You crave drama, mistakenly believing it is the same as sharing romantic chemistry. A securely attached person isn’t going to provide that. As a result, avoidant and anxious people often end up together. Two avoidant people make for barely there relationship; both people spend all their time avoiding each other. Two anxious people make for an unpredictable and high stress relationship; each convinced the other is going to abandon them. But an anxious and an avoidant person together? These 2 attachment styles complement each other in that an anxious person is willing to wait around for their avoidant partner to commit to the relationship. This anxious attachment actually validates avoidant behavior by letting the avoidant know their behavior will be tolerated.6 Securely attached individuals can be with any of the style according to attachment theory. This is because they can validate their partner’s feelings and help them overcome their fears. So how can you achieve a secure attachment style? It’s possible to change your attachment style. First, you need to accept your attachment type by being honest with yourself. If you are an anxious partner, admit it. Then, ask yourself why. Think back to your childhood, write down all of your memories if you need to. Really look at what happened to you while growing up and try to make sense of it, try to determine how it is affecting your adult relationships today. Making this connection can help you develop a more secure attachment style, which can help you find a lasting relationship.7 References Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io [1] PsychAlive: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship [2] PsychologyToday: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship [3] PsychologyToday: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship [4] PsychCentral: How to Change Your Attachment Style [5] ArtOfWellbeing: 14 Things You Need to Know About Adult Attachment Theory [6] ArtOfWellbeing: 14 Things You Need to Know About Adult Attachment Theory [7] PsychAlive: Understanding Insecure Attachment About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising Recommended for you People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak Revealed: Body Language That Makes You Attractive at Work and in Dating 6 Rules Successful People Live By to Learn Faster and Better Than Everyone Else What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You A Powerful Learning Approach That Smart Students Use to Learn Fast and Get Great Results 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success Devoting to a Narcissistic Lover Is Like Playing With Fire. It Is Risky. One Item That Is Often Absent in Resumes but Extremely Important: Soft Skills Learn More About Psychology 50% of Marriages Ends up in Divorce, Is It That Hard to Save a Marriage? How to Stay Motivated Even Though You Can't See Yourself Moving Forward Self-Defeating Habits That Make Talented People Become Average Telltale Signs You've Been Suffering from Burnout for a Long Time Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Scroll down for the next article Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Psychology Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Leon Ho Leon Ho is the Founder and CEO of Lifehack, which he started in 2005 as a way to share his personal productivity hacks to make life easier. Full Bio When we talk about happiness, we think about staying happy all the time – every single day, every single minute with zero negativity. We try to pursue this constant state of “happiness” as our goal, and avoid anything that may take it away from us. But what is the meaning of this type of “happiness”? It’s like your favorite food. The more you have of it doesn’t always mean the better. On the contrary, when you only have a chance to eat it sparingly, that’s when you really savor every bite of it. So is it the food itself that makes you happy, or is it how valuable it is to you when you are eating it? We should always remember that only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy. Assuming others are always happy is the biggest misunderstanding of happiness. Most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives and assume they are happy all the time. Since childhood, we are conditioned to chase the idea of “happily-ever-after” that we see in fairytales. On social media, everyone tends to share only the best looking aspects of their lives (including ourselves). So it’s very easy to have a distorted view of what “happiness” is around us. In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant. No one has a perfect life. Even the most glamorous celebrities or the richest billionaires, everyone has their own set of challenges and problems. When we feel negative, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. As CEO of Lifehack, I’ve had to deal with countless problems, and some of them felt like real setbacks at the time. During those moments, it really seemed like these problems would be the life or death of my company and my life goals. But I got through them, and weeks, months and eventually years passed with many more ups and downs. You need to keep your sights on the extended curve. Looking back now, a lot of those “really big” problems at the time seem like only small blips in a long line of experiences. Recalling them in my mind now makes me smile! Stop trying to be happy. Just be. It’s natural to want to be happy as often as possible. So what can we do? First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness. Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s from experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for others when they are experiencing the same trials. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow. To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness. It sounds like a paradox. What I mean is, accept that there will be ups and downs throughout life. Gracefully understand that happiness is a fluctuation of positive and negative events. Understand the importance of gratitude. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant moment right now, flash back your memory to when you had or didn’t have something. I like to think about my career, for example. When I didn’t have a career I was passionate about, I felt lost and demotivated. I felt like everyone was figuring out their lives but me. But when I found my purpose and started Lifehack, I was deeply happy, even before I realized I would be successful! This memory keeps me going when there are tough spots. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light. Happiness and sadness exist together What it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful, happy and incredible moments. Happy tears and joyous shouts and funny stories. But your life will also be filled with rain and storms that don’t ever seem to pass when you’re going through them. But whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened by the rain, know that it’s all part of the ebb and flow of life. Treasure the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Don’t try to avoid “sad” or “negative” experiences, and blindly chase being “happy”. In the end you will achieve a true level of contentment in your life, based on meaningful experiences and achievements. Being able to create growth and meaning out of both positive and negative events — that is the true meaning of “happiness”. References Featured photo credit: InsideOut via facebook.com About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success 100 Inspirational Quotes That Will Make You Love Life Again Shortcut to Happiness Happiness: The Thing We All Look For But Never Really Understand Learn More About Psychology 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success What Is Love and What Is Not How to Stay Motivated Even Though You Can't See Yourself Moving Forward How to Make Someone Who's Angry at You Suddenly Become Nice (Even If He's a Stranger!) Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Feedback

How to Make Someone Who's Angry at You Suddenly Become Nice (Even If He's a Stranger!)

PsychologyHow to Make Someone Who's Angry at You Suddenly Become Nice (Even If He's a Stranger!) Share: Psychology How to Make Someone Who's Angry at You Suddenly Become Nice (Even If He's a Stranger!) Larry Alton Larry is an independent business consultant specializing in social media trends, business, and entrepreneurship. Full Bio We’ve all found ourselves in situations where someone is angry with us. It could be a spouse, friend, co-worker, or even a stranger! And if you’re someone who likes everyone to be happy and nice, then these instances make you uncomfortable. You want to solve the problem and make things better. But how do you make a person who’s angry at you suddenly become nice? 4 Steps to Fix the Situation Every situation is unique and you’ll have to determine how to best approach an angry person in the moment. However, in most cases, the following tips and techniques apply. 1. Don’t Retaliate The number one rule is to avoid retaliation. No matter what someone does, you can’t attack back. This will only make the person angrier. A common example of this is when someone gets angry and cuts you off in traffic because you’ve been driving slower than they’d like. If you respond by cutting them off, this will infuriate them even more. As hard as it can be, never repay an angry action with another angry action. Even though you feel disrespected, you have to put your pride aside and move on. Make sure you don’t come across as sarcastic, though, as this can infuriate an angry person even more. 2. Show Your Care Instead of acting angry, show the person that you care about their situation. You’ll find that angry people are often that way because they feel misunderstood. Taking the time to listen may be enough to change their attitude. Depending on the situation, here are some good lines: Can you tell me what’s wrong? Maybe I can help. I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there something I can do? This should have never happened. How are you feeling? Little lines like these are enough to get the angry person talking. You may eventually be able to help them see past the problem by letting them talk it out. 3. Make Yourself Human If the angry person is directing their malice towards you, the quickest way to reduce frustration is by making yourself seem more human. Tell them how their anger makes you feel – i.e. scared, confused, or anxious – and be sure to let them know that you mean no harm in your words or actions. 4. Lighten the Mood You have to be careful with this technique, but a mean person can often be quelled by lightening the mood. Consider telling a joke, flashing a smile, or adding perspective to something that isn’t really that big of a deal. Knowing when to do these things will get you far in life. Don’t Let Someone Else Ruin Your Day When it’s all said and done, it’s impossible for you to control someone else’s emotions. No matter how hard you may try, some angry people just want to remain angry. If at all possible, don’t let them ruin your day. Choose kindness and you’ll be the better person. About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Recommended for You If You Understand These 5 Rules In Psychology, You Can Live A Much Easier Life 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success The Only Effective Way to Talk With Children When They Are Acting Out Don't Focus on Happiness. Focus on Self Actualization Learn More About Psychology How to Stay Motivated Even Though You Can't See Yourself Moving Forward The Scientific Explanation on Why We Attract What We Are Self-Defeating Habits That Make Talented People Become Average Identify Your Attachment Style and Find Someone Who Fits Yours Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Scroll down for the next article Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Psychology Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Leon Ho Leon Ho is the Founder and CEO of Lifehack, which he started in 2005 as a way to share his personal productivity hacks to make life easier. Full Bio When we talk about happiness, we think about staying happy all the time – every single day, every single minute with zero negativity. We try to pursue this constant state of “happiness” as our goal, and avoid anything that may take it away from us. But what is the meaning of this type of “happiness”? It’s like your favorite food. The more you have of it doesn’t always mean the better. On the contrary, when you only have a chance to eat it sparingly, that’s when you really savor every bite of it. So is it the food itself that makes you happy, or is it how valuable it is to you when you are eating it? We should always remember that only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy. Assuming others are always happy is the biggest misunderstanding of happiness. Most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives and assume they are happy all the time. Since childhood, we are conditioned to chase the idea of “happily-ever-after” that we see in fairytales. On social media, everyone tends to share only the best looking aspects of their lives (including ourselves). So it’s very easy to have a distorted view of what “happiness” is around us. In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant. No one has a perfect life. Even the most glamorous celebrities or the richest billionaires, everyone has their own set of challenges and problems. When we feel negative, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. As CEO of Lifehack, I’ve had to deal with countless problems, and some of them felt like real setbacks at the time. During those moments, it really seemed like these problems would be the life or death of my company and my life goals. But I got through them, and weeks, months and eventually years passed with many more ups and downs. You need to keep your sights on the extended curve. Looking back now, a lot of those “really big” problems at the time seem like only small blips in a long line of experiences. Recalling them in my mind now makes me smile! Stop trying to be happy. Just be. It’s natural to want to be happy as often as possible. So what can we do? First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness. Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s from experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for others when they are experiencing the same trials. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow. To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness. It sounds like a paradox. What I mean is, accept that there will be ups and downs throughout life. Gracefully understand that happiness is a fluctuation of positive and negative events. Understand the importance of gratitude. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant moment right now, flash back your memory to when you had or didn’t have something. I like to think about my career, for example. When I didn’t have a career I was passionate about, I felt lost and demotivated. I felt like everyone was figuring out their lives but me. But when I found my purpose and started Lifehack, I was deeply happy, even before I realized I would be successful! This memory keeps me going when there are tough spots. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light. Happiness and sadness exist together What it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful, happy and incredible moments. Happy tears and joyous shouts and funny stories. But your life will also be filled with rain and storms that don’t ever seem to pass when you’re going through them. But whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened by the rain, know that it’s all part of the ebb and flow of life. Treasure the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Don’t try to avoid “sad” or “negative” experiences, and blindly chase being “happy”. In the end you will achieve a true level of contentment in your life, based on meaningful experiences and achievements. Being able to create growth and meaning out of both positive and negative events — that is the true meaning of “happiness”. References Featured photo credit: InsideOut via facebook.com About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Recommended for You 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success 100 Inspirational Quotes That Will Make You Love Life Again Shortcut to Happiness Happiness: The Thing We All Look For But Never Really Understand Learn More About Psychology 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success What Is Love and What Is Not How to Stay Motivated Even Though You Can't See Yourself Moving Forward How to Make Someone Who's Angry at You Suddenly Become Nice (Even If He's a Stranger!) Love what you're reading? You're now one click away from getting all the best ideas on Lifehack for free! Subscribe to Lifehack Newsletter to end negativity and get things done fast. Feedback

50% of Marriages Ends up in Divorce, Is It That Hard to Save a Marriage?

Psychology Productivity Health More Psychology 50% of Marriages Ends up in Divorce, Is It That Hard to Save a Marriage? Flora Nathaniel Flora is a blogger who loves to write about anything that is related to Entrepreneurship. Full Bio Do you know that around 50% of marriages in the US ends up in divorce? There’s also an alarming increase of second-time marriages. It looks like a lot of married couples are in a relationship crisis, but why then couples counseling is still something that sounds like a taboo to many? Why hasn’t it been widely accepted yet? Compared to others, the divorce rate is 5.2% higher in the 40 to 50 age group, in which most of the divorces were initiated by women, according to a study done by by the Bureau of Labor Statistics. This may be because of the increased tendency of women seeking higher education degrees and better-paid jobs1. And this may also because of a more open mindset towards ending a marriage due to different reasons such as domestic violence. Although getting divorced is easier now, not all couples want to end their relationships just like that. In fact, many choose to give their relationship another chance by seeking help from others – couples counseling. Seeking couples counseling services is giving your relationship another chance. The reason why the divorce rate is high among the couples aged 40 to 50 is that they’ve reached reached a point in life where routine becomes a killer. The sparks’ gone because of different struggles they’re dealing with in the family and possibly in their lives. Here are some signs that maybe it’s time to consider asking for help: When communication is, overall, negative: You don’t talk, you just spend half of your time arguing over the weather, money, kids, your broken car, your work troubles and even your neighbors’ new lawn mower. Everything can become a reason to start a heated argument. When you start losing trust: Relationships are built upon trust, and when that starts to quake, you start to question even the stupidest things that can come across your mind, like how and when did that new friend showed up, since when that new hobby started to take that much interest, etc. When you feel the need to keep secrets: Of course we all have our personal stuff that we prefer not to talk about, but when you feel that you need to keep things from your partner, then it’s a sign that things aren’t working the way they should. When there are severe financial differences: Some of the essential aspects of marriages rely on a good financial management. If one wants to start saving money for retirement and the other spends more from what’s making in a month’s salary, and the tendency doesn’t change over months (or even years), then probably it’s time to seek advice someplace else. When there is no intimacy: No one expects marriages to be like the first year over time 2 as people change, responsibilities show up, and we tend to get accustomed to the same things – meaning that the initial spark may be lost. But if now you don’t even kiss each other goodbye, then something else is going on here. When you live separate lives: To put this in a few words, you share a roof, and that’s all. If even your roommate in college was more aware of your routine and things that went on in your life than your spouse, something’s not quite right in your relationship. If you can relate to one to two of the above signs, then it’s time to sit down and talk about your relationship with your partner.3 If you can identify more than four of the above signs with your marriage, you should book a session of couples counseling soon. There is still time to fix things if you love each other. To save your relationship, let the counselor help you. But your effort counts too. Pick a therapist that really suits you and your partner. Referral is the best way to find a professional that suits you and your partner. Either a friend who went through the same as you do at the moment, or your parents, or a co-worker you trust, or your doctor, etc. can give a helping hand to find the person who can set a middle-ground to your constant quarrels or a lack of affection. But be sure your therapist’s opinion isn’t biased towards keeping a marriage no matter what because sometimes, there is no viable way to make a relationship work if the differences are way too many. Also, make sure the therapist is someone who’s neutral when it comes to helping your relationship. A friend of one of the spouses definitely isn’t a good choice. You don’t want a biased opinion that can make the relationship worse than before. Always remember the good times. One doesn’t simply marry another person because they see each other in the street, fall in love immediately and then tie the knot; there is so much more behind each love story.4 Think of the first date you two had, a memorable moment while you were dating, a gift you loved, and bring them along to the therapy session. Sometimes, the only reason why a therapy works is that the counselor helps us to talk 5 – yes, talk – without being afraid of what our spouse may say. The counselor is there to help, to make your other half understand your feelings and to help you to understand what your spouse thinks about your relationship. Recommended for You People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak How to Be Assertive Without Being Too Aggressive 6 Rules Successful People Live By to Learn Faster and Better Than Everyone Else Commitment is the key. A healthy marriage takes two,6 nothing is going to change if both people aren’t willing to work together. If you get to the point that one believes seeking therapy to mend the relationship is a waste of time, then it’s probably best to move on with your life.7 References Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io [1] Bureau of Labor Statistics: Marriage and divorce: patterns by gender, race, and educational attainment [2] Lifehack: What Romance Is Like After 10 Years Of Marriage [3] The Good Men Project: 7 Things Wives Tell Me in Marriage Counseling (That Husbands Should Know) [4] Simplemost: Tom Hanks Shares His Advice For A Lasting Marriage [5] The Hollywood Reporter: Will Smith: “Racism Is Not Getting Worse, It’s Getting Filmed” [6] Lifehack: These 10 Simple Things You Do Are Making Your Marriage Last, Even Though You’re Not Aware Of It [7] Huffington Post: The 5 Big Reasons Why Couples Divorce After Decades Of Marriage About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You A Powerful Learning Approach That Smart Students Use to Learn Fast and Get Great Results 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success Devoting to a Narcissistic Lover Is Like Playing With Fire. It Is Risky. One Item That Is Often Absent in Resumes but Extremely Important: Soft Skills Learn More About Psychology 12 Essential Communication Skills That Aren't Taught in Schools at All People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak How to Be Assertive Without Being Too Aggressive Get the most interesting ideas of Lifehack in your inbox for free! Scroll down for the next article Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Psychology Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy Leon Ho Leon Ho is the Founder and CEO of Lifehack, which he started in 2005 as a way to share his personal productivity hacks to make life easier. Full Bio When we talk about happiness, we think about staying happy all the time – every single day, every single minute with zero negativity. We try to pursue this constant state of “happiness” as our goal, and avoid anything that may take it away from us. But what is the meaning of this type of “happiness”? It’s like your favorite food. The more you have of it doesn’t always mean the better. On the contrary, when you only have a chance to eat it sparingly, that’s when you really savor every bite of it. So is it the food itself that makes you happy, or is it how valuable it is to you when you are eating it? We should always remember that only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy. Assuming others are always happy is the biggest misunderstanding of happiness. Most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives and assume they are happy all the time. Since childhood, we are conditioned to chase the idea of “happily-ever-after” that we see in fairytales. On social media, everyone tends to share only the best looking aspects of their lives (including ourselves). So it’s very easy to have a distorted view of what “happiness” is around us. In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant. No one has a perfect life. Even the most glamorous celebrities or the richest billionaires, everyone has their own set of challenges and problems. When we feel negative, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. As CEO of Lifehack, I’ve had to deal with countless problems, and some of them felt like real setbacks at the time. During those moments, it really seemed like these problems would be the life or death of my company and my life goals. But I got through them, and weeks, months and eventually years passed with many more ups and downs. You need to keep your sights on the extended curve. Looking back now, a lot of those “really big” problems at the time seem like only small blips in a long line of experiences. Recalling them in my mind now makes me smile! Stop trying to be happy. Just be. It’s natural to want to be happy as often as possible. So what can we do? First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness. Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s from experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for others when they are experiencing the same trials. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow. To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness. It sounds like a paradox. What I mean is, accept that there will be ups and downs throughout life. Gracefully understand that happiness is a fluctuation of positive and negative events. Understand the importance of gratitude. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant moment right now, flash back your memory to when you had or didn’t have something. I like to think about my career, for example. When I didn’t have a career I was passionate about, I felt lost and demotivated. I felt like everyone was figuring out their lives but me. But when I found my purpose and started Lifehack, I was deeply happy, even before I realized I would be successful! This memory keeps me going when there are tough spots. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light. Happiness and sadness exist together What it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful, happy and incredible moments. Happy tears and joyous shouts and funny stories. But your life will also be filled with rain and storms that don’t ever seem to pass when you’re going through them. But whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened by the rain, know that it’s all part of the ebb and flow of life. Treasure the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Don’t try to avoid “sad” or “negative” experiences, and blindly chase being “happy”. In the end you will achieve a true level of contentment in your life, based on meaningful experiences and achievements. Being able to create growth and meaning out of both positive and negative events — that is the true meaning of “happiness”. References Featured photo credit: InsideOut via facebook.com About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! How I Become Creative by Spending 10 Minutes a Day to Exercise My Brain Muscle See How You Don't Have To Start Your Weight Loss Journey Sweaty! Recommended for You 50 Soft Skills for Lifelong Happiness and Success 100 Inspirational Quotes That Will Make You Love Life Again Shortcut to Happiness Happiness: The Thing We All Look For But Never Really Understand Learn More About Psychology There's No Perfect Family, but a Happy Family Doesn't Need to Be Perfect Is an Extrovert Really Happier Than an Introvert? Let's Look at the Research Findings People Judge Your Intelligence Based on the Tone of Your Voice and How Fast You Speak Get the most interesting ideas of Lifehack in your inbox for free! Feedback